25 things I didn't know about my emotions until I hit midlife
Moving on from "I'm fine" or "I'm too busy to feel", "you're just so sensitive" or "don't be so emotional". On how to rewrite our emotional scripts, shift generational patterns and be happy being sad.
For a long time I was both someone who didn’t do feelings while also being very, very sensitive to them. That has been confusing.
I’ve been trying to outrun anxiety my whole life, but I’m now realizing it’s going to be my constant companion. We’re learning to have a better relationship.
I learned how not to feel what I actually felt in pressured workplaces because I thought that also meant being “good at my job”. I’ve since had to unlearn all those messages that told me to “suck it up” which translates as “feelings are a weakness” and have no place here.
Our minds are cool and everything but connecting with our emotional experiences can help us be better thinkers too.
Watching my daughter learn that her feelings are valid, that vulnerability is a strength and that emotional wellbeing is as important as physical health feels like a cultural shift I hope will continue (in spite of everything happening around us right now).
How we feel has as much to do with how we believe someone else wants us to, will allow us to or expects us to feel — i.e. that moment when someone says “you can’t possibly feel that way” or “this is no time to cry”. You can apply this onto the culture / society / family in which you grew up and currently live within too.
There’s a reason I like to cry at Grey’s Anatomy or listen to sad songs.
That it’s not all about happiness. We’ve been mislead that this is the big shiny emotion we’re all aiming for when what matters is having access to a range of feelings, because those also matter too.
That it’s ok to be angry even though it’s the one emotion I struggle with the most. Sometimes we need anger: it gives us energy to move or put up that boundary. Also sadness can often be a stand-in for anger for me. Who knew that they can hide behind each other!
I’ve always loved words, but hadn’t realised just how important they are to our experience of how we feel. There’s an idea that you have to be able to name something to feel it that I love and that has me reaching for more words. Like the feeling of bore out = ‘chronic boredom’ or the Japanese mono-no-aware meaning “an empathy towards things” (both from Susie Dent’s amazing Emotional Dictionary)
As someone who is very heady and likes to think about what I’m feeling, realizing that my body had anything to do with my emotions was kind of a surprise.
I’m now proud of being “sensitive”. When I was in my twenties a woman I admired at work commented on how “fragile” I was. That stayed with me for years but I’ve since learned this could be as fragile as a bomb rather than a flower: there’s a power to it.
That emotions matter. It sounds so ridiculously obvious but how often have you pushed down what you’re feeling: discounted it, ignored it, denied it even.
My default is not joy, but I like to be there. Sometimes we need to try on emotions like clothes: sometimes we’ll feel comfortable in whatever the jean equivalent is, like anticipation, other times we might be pushing ourselves to try on something new, like courage.
Fear keeps us safe, but also stuck.
I like the idea of having an emotional landscape more than being on an emotional journey.
Emotions are about needs met or needs unmet. This is the most simple equation and the one I wish I’d been taught at school.
That I can get stuck in an emotion and sometimes the antidote is not to sit with it even more but to choose action, to move and do, to shift something. That helps more often than it doesn’t.
I’m ok if my kids see me cry or frustrated, if they experience my joy or my pride in something. For a while I saw emotional equilibrium as the thing I was modeling but I think its more about emotional acceptance.
That sometimes it really is hormones (particularly in midlife). That PMDD can both turn our emotions off so everything is in grey scale and magnify everything so there’s nothing to hold onto.
Also sometimes it is too much coffee. Not enough time with friends. Too much news scrolling. To little time in nature.
Some emotions take me right back to childhood like smells do.
That if I’m saying “I’m fine” or “I’m ok”, I’m probably neither.
Saying “I’m busy” also probably means I can’t get into it right now.
That the idea of being “an emotional woman” needs a rebrand because there’s so much wisdom that can come from that place. I think there should be a t-shirt.
What’s the biggest learning you’ve had about your emotional life? Or are there one or two here that really stand out for you?
Let me know.
x Claire
Right now I’m creating a new course and community around what it means to be an emotional woman in midlife. If this is something you’re interested in or need, add yourself to the waitlist here.
Let me know what challenges you’re facing with emotions in midlife, what you’ve found that helps you right now and what you’re curious to learn about. I’d love your help / feedback as I design this.
And if you’re not in midlife, don’t worry, there’ll be a different version for you later in the year.
I love this
I cry watching Grey’s Anatomy. Even during reruns. I sometimes cry watching cooking competitions. Crying I don’t have a problem with. What took me by surprise later in life was that I had every right to be angry sometimes and that I was able to feel it. Too long too good girl, anger was not acceptable.