Subsnack #12: Five ways to go from here to there (and probably back again)

Midweek moments to feel better during midlife and (peri)menopause

“Well, you can either see menopause as a possible ending or you can see it as a possible beginning. Arguably, it should be a bit of both. The ending of one phase of life, but also the beginning of a whole new journey — a challenging but ultimately fertile journey across the threshold of elderhood.” — Dr Sharon Blackie

Hi there,

Midlife and (peri)menopause can feel like a time of losing all the things:

The weight gain and emotional shifts, the hot flushes and dryness in places that even Aveeno can’t go.

The family conflicts that are no longer limited to who puts the kids to bed but to how to balance aging parents and equally as hormonal teenagers in the same time and space.

The careers that have stopped, or are getting started, are plateauing or even regressing.

And just that crushing tiredness that can send us to our imaginary beds at 3 p.m. even though we’ve got more of our working day ahead of us.

We can get lost: in the overwhelm, the anxiety, the exhaustion, and even the regret.

But midlife can also hold glimmers

The confidence that can come from stepping into your wisdom and letting go of everything that no longer serves you.

The excitement that derives from rethinking the next part of our lives and centering the next years based on our values, our needs, and even our wants.

The relief of coming to terms with who you are and accepting who that might be.

And the courage of listening to the louder and louder voice inside ourselves that we’ve tempered through people-pleasing, fear of failure, and maybe a glass of wine or two.

Then we’re free to be curious, grateful, and open to new possibilities that this stage of our life can bring, to look for what else the brain fog and hot flushes might be masking.

So how do you go from that first part where we’re losing ourselves to the second where we’re discovering our self-worth (and spoiler alert, you’ll probably go back and forth between the two, again and again… maybe even multiple times a day, for a while)?

I’ve found in my own life, working with clients and talking with friends, that these strategies are everything:

1.     The ebb and flow

There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be moments when you’re spiraling down, and sinking into places you don’t want to go. And there will be others that feel like they used to, like old friends. You’ll have boundless energy to move through life in ways that feel familiar. Moments will contain possibilities again.

Becoming aware of this cycle has probably been my greatest learning, and honoring it is my greatest challenge. As someone who is led by all I need to do — and tied with that my drives, ambitions, and wants — having to reset to what I can do, what’s in my capacity, has taken some time.

I now have two to-do lists, arranged energetically. Depending on where I am — depleted or engaged — I have ways to stay in life. Anything to do with people goes in one, anything more solitary into the other.

I have also mapped my emotional life onto my calendar – something I’ve never had to do before and I resisted doing for a while. Given that my feelings are so connected to my hormones, I have a rough gauge for what’s coming and when.

There is a new rhythm to my life, and though I do as much as possible with HRT, I’m finding I can’t do everything. Acknowledging the ebb and flow allows me to still be in my life in ways that feel affirming.

2.     Adopting a threshold perspective

Feeling like you’re not quite here or there can be unsettling. Understanding that you might be occupying the in-between space of life, the threshold, can give some grace to this period.

It can allow you to be in the questions, even to give yourself permission to ask them for the first time at all.

It’s okay to be in the not-knowing.

It’s more than OK that you haven’t quite arrived yet.

3.     Getting quiet

Create the space to hear our own answers: Find a practice that you like — such as journaling, meditation, or a walk — that silences the world and allows you to hear yourself.

Getting quiet allows us to access our inner wisdom and anchor ourselves when we’re feeling unsettled. We can see where something is off, what needs attention, where we’re struggling, and even where we might just be thriving.

4.     Emotional regulation

Emotions live in the body and that’s particularly the case in midlife.

Tap into where emotions show up in your body: stress across the shoulders, hurt in the heart space. Ask yourself where and how an emotion is experienced.

This can also help you connect with its energy: often emotions are agents of change, with rage connected with movement, for instance, sorrow with the desire for stillness.

Find an embodiment practice that helps you release your emotions safely: such as massage, yoga, breathwork, Qigong, or sound baths. Learn how to feel into your body.

5.     Acceptance and self-compassion

Is this the hardest one of all? To accept something of where we are, rather than resist with all our might that we find ourselves here.

I know I’ve struggled with being a forty-something rather than a thirty-something. We need to find ways to offer ourselves some emotional space, to move through midlife in ways that are gentle and kind to ourselves.

“We need to make the menopause about metamorphosis, not misery.” — Kate Muir

Midlife and (peri)menopause can bring up ideas around aging, self-image, purpose, and relationships: I’ve been woken at 3 a.m. not just by nighttime sweats but by what-ifs and what’s-to come. Anxiety is a constant companion, as is retinol.

But I’ve also connected with some incredible women who are going through it with me, accessed gratitude for being in this generation and not my mother’s, and allowed some long-held beliefs that are no longer serving me to fall away.

Can midlife be both?

If you’re finding yourself in the middle of life, how are you going from here to there? What helps you be in this space between, holding those two opposing destinations in mind?

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