Hi there,
How are you doing in these final days before Christmas?
Something on my mind, and maybe on yours, is how to handle complicated family dynamics and the expectations we can hold around our relationships during the Holiday Season.
As Christmas approaches, we can feel stressed about how we do or don’t come together as families — and that is the focus of this third episode in the four-part mini-series A Very Well-ish Holiday Season.
In this episode, I talk about how to enhance genuine connection, manage anticipatory anxiety and practice curiosity and compassion.
I also explore the importance of meaningful moments over picture perfection, breaking old patterns that no longer serve us and how collective care can help avoid personal burnout.
You can click on the podcast link to listen or if you prefer to read I’ve added some of the highlights below.
I hope this episode helps you navigate your Holiday Season and all those messy family dynamics. Let me know if it helps you and how you get on.
Wishing you the Christmas that you need this year. See you on the other side of Boxing Day.
x Claire
If you prefer to read, here’s an extract from the introduction as well as some of my favourite highlights:
We imagine the perfect family dinner with our favorite things. We imagine heartfelt conversations after a year of running around and staying on the surface. Maybe we even imagine a moment of reconciliation if we've drifted apart.
And yet. There's always that yet.
Reality at Christmas can look a bit different. They may be a burnt bread sauce. There could be an awkward silence at the table. Someone could bring up something that we've agreed to let go of when we came together last Christmas and it's doing another round.
I arrive in the holidays, and in various relatives’ homes, with high expectations.
In my mind are Christmas Movie narratives and that hope that comes with the song, “Driving Home for Christmas." That's always in the back of my mind as I'm heading up the M6.
I have expectations about what we'll eat. I'm preoccupied often with who will play which game and when. And even how someone, maybe this is common, will respond to a gift that's given. I know acutely that feeling when the response isn't quite what I hoped for.
I also feel like I'm in dialogue with previous Christmases this year. They lay themselves over my holiday season like the hoped-for snow.
There are the good ones like when we held a Christmas for the strays and 18 people piled into our house. When my meringue failed to do anything of note and we lit a Christmas pudding, piping it in courtesy of Spotify for our very bemused American guests.
And I also remember the Christmas that my mum was in a mental health ward. I was back at my family home and we’d bought her out for Christmas lunch only. There was the raw pain of taking her back after the Queen’s Speech and sobbing through karaoke that night as my brother tried to sing Mr. Brightside and we tried so hard to get back to some holiday cheer that we were never going to return to.
The holidays can be all about family and that can bring its own joys. And it can bring its own challenges.
Remember that stockings have both oranges and coal. It’s kind of like that.
What I remember most
This year, I'm reminding myself that connection doesn't have to be big or profound to be real.
One of my favorite memories of Christmas is getting up early with my mum, and preparing the Turkey in our dressing gowns while the house slept. We looked terrible but it was just the two of us before the day started.
This was our moment of connection together. And now my mum is no longer with us that's what I remember the most. Not what she gave me. Or even what she said about the gift that perhaps she hated, but it was the two of us removing giblets from a Turkey at 6:00 AM.
What's one expectation you can let go of this year when it comes to family? Maybe it's giving up on trying to save every conversation or accepting that someone might show up late or they might even leave early. When we let go of those expectations, we can create space for unexpected moments to unfold. And often those are the ones that mean the most.
When someone says the thing
The tricky moments do come up. It's inevitable when someone says something that hits or when emotions run high. I've had that too when someone has said something that struck me to the core. And that comment would stay with me like echoes of Christmas past as I show up for another round this year.
I know how easy it can be to react in the moment. And to let that old pattern of defensiveness or even maybe frustration take over. Whatever has been said, isn't just talking to me then. But also me of two years ago. And me at age 20 and even me at age eight. It all comes together. And falls apart in that one moment.
But this is where curiosity can be really helpful as a strategy to better navigate these more fractious times. When someone's words or actions trigger you try to pause for a moment. Instead of reacting immediately ask yourself a few questions.
So much emotional labour
Over the holidays we can often take on everything ourselves. We just feel this sense of responsibility. And I'm wondering how we could cultivate more of a collective care.
One of the biggest pressures that I feel during the holidays is the idea that it's my job to make everything run smoothly. I'm a middle child. I'm a mum of two and I am a classic peacemaker. So this is the season that I can go into overdrive holding it all together until the whole thing threatens to fall apart.
I'm an expert at smoothing things over. A playful comment to defuse a bomb, a distraction when a couple of people look like they're wading into old patterns and tricky territory. I can sprinkle magic and sunshine on the most tense of places.
So this is my challenge and maybe yours, to approach the holidays as a shared experience, rather than a personal responsibility.
[Listen to the complete episode for more]
Show Notes
Navigating difficult family dynamics
3 Things to Say No to This Holiday Season
Find out what Emotions Coaching is and how better understanding your feelings can help you better connect.
Sign up for 5 Ways to a Better Well (this might be exactly what you need for when you’re ready to think about the New Year)
P.S. This mini-season is a teaser and a test for a full-podcast series starting in January. I’d love to hear what you’re most interested in exploring.
And any feedback or thoughts let me know in the comments as I’m new to podcasting. Particularly tech: microphone, headphones, platform, etc!
In the last episode of this series, I’ll be exploring how we can better approach the New Year with not a resolution in sight!
P.P.S. If you found this episode helpful, please share this with a friend who needs some support with their family dynamics over the Holiday Season
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